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Attachment Theory and How It Can Impact Relationships

In the realm of long-term relationships, understanding how our early attachments influence our behaviour and interactions with our partners can be transformative.

Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, provides a psychological framework that explains how the bonds we form in early childhood with our caregivers impact our relationships throughout life.

These early attachments serve as blueprints for our romantic relationships, affecting how we perceive and respond to intimacy, trust, and love.


Where Are Our Attachments Born?

Attachment styles are essentially survival mechanisms that help us navigate our relationships. They are shaped by our early interactions with our parents or primary caregivers. When we enter into romantic relationships as adults, these attachment styles can cause confusion and conflict if our responses and those of our partners don’t align.

There are four primary attachment styles:

  • Secure

  • Anxious

  • Avoidant

  • Disorganised

Each style has distinct characteristics that affect how we connect with others. Let's delve into each one and explore how they manifest in relationships.


Secure Attachment - Dolphin: Loved and Adored


- Trusting and comfortable with intimacy

- Healthy balance of closeness and independence

- Good at communicating needs and emotions

In Relationships:

People with a secure attachment style generally have healthy, balanced relationships. They are comfortable with intimacy but also value their independence. They communicate their needs and feelings effectively, which helps resolve conflicts constructively. This attachment style often leads to fulfilling and stable relationships. Securely attached individuals feel confident in their partners, making communication fluid and arguments constructive.


Jane and Mark trust each other deeply and feel secure in their relationship. When conflicts arise, they discuss their feelings openly and work together to find solutions. Both feel comfortable pursuing their interests while also enjoying time together.


Anxious Attachment - Octopus: Seeking Validation


- Fear of abandonment

- Need for constant reassurance

- Often overly dependent on their partner

In Relationships:

Anxiously attached individuals often seek high levels of closeness, approval, and validation. They may be preoccupied with their partner's actions and can become overly dependent. This can lead to clinginess and intense emotional highs and lows. Their fear of abandonment causes them to be overly sensitive to perceived slights or rejection, often leading to guilt and emotional turbulence in the relationship.


Emily constantly worries that her boyfriend, Tom, will leave her. She frequently seeks reassurance from him, asking if he still loves her or if he finds someone else attractive. Tom feels overwhelmed by her neediness, which sometimes leads to tension and arguments.


Avoidant Attachment - Turtle: Dismissive and Fearful


- Fear of intimacy

- Preference for independence

- Difficulty expressing emotions

In Relationships:

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to maintain emotional distance from their partners. They value their independence highly and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. This can lead to difficulties in forming deep connections and a tendency to pull away when things get too intimate, often leading to feelings of rejection in their partners.


Jake enjoys his relationship with Anna but often feels suffocated when she wants to spend too much time together. He prefers to keep things light and avoids deep emotional conversations. When Anna tries to get closer, Jake sometimes withdraws, causing her to feel rejected.


Disorganised Attachment - Anemone: Unable to Regulate


- Inconsistent and unpredictable behaviour

- Difficulty trusting others

- Often stems from trauma or abuse

In Relationships:

Disorganised attachment is often the result of early trauma or inconsistent caregiving. People with this style may display a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours, leading to chaotic and unstable relationships. They can be unpredictable, sometimes craving closeness and other times pushing their partner away. The lack of trust and safety in childhood can cause them to oscillate between clinginess and contempt, creating confusion for both partners.


Laura had a tumultuous childhood and struggles with trust. In her relationship with David, she sometimes clings to him desperately and other times pushes him away with harsh words or actions. David is often confused by her unpredictable behaviour and doesn’t know how to provide the stability she needs.


Moving Toward Secure Attachment

Understanding your attachment style is the first step towards healthier relationships. Here are some strategies to help move toward a more secure attachment:

Self-awareness: Recognise your attachment style and how it affects your behaviour.

Communication: Practice open and honest communication with your partner. Cut down on defensiveness, criticism, and contempt. Make time to listen and truly hear each other.

Therapy: Seek professional help if past traumas are affecting your current relationships. Unprocessed traumas can significantly impact your relationship dynamics.

Healthy Boundaries: Establish and respect personal boundaries in relationships. Discuss issues, listen from the other person's perspective, and avoid formulating responses before the other person has finished speaking.



Attachment theory offers valuable insights into why we behave the way we do in relationships. By understanding our own attachment style and that of our partners, we can work towards building stronger, more secure connections.

Whether you identify with anxious, avoidant, disorganised, or secure attachment, there is always room for growth and improvement in your relationships.

With awareness, communication, and a willingness to change, we can all strive for healthier, more fulfilling connections with our loved ones.

Lottie x

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