The Relationship Is the Work
- Lottie Passell-Syms
- May 30
- 4 min read
There is a quiet myth that sits underneath many long term relationships. That love, once established, will carry itself.
It does not.
Love is not something you arrive at and then maintain by default. It is something you actively participate in, every day, in small and often unremarkable ways. The couples who stay connected are not the ones who avoid difficulty. They are the ones who understand that the relationship needs tending, attention, and repair.
I often say in my work that the relationship is the work. Not the house, not the children, not the jobs. The relationship.
And yet, this is often the first thing to be neglected.
Do Not Assume Love Is Felt
One of the most common misunderstandings I see is this idea that if you feel love, your partner must feel it too.
They do not.
Love needs to be demonstrated. It needs to be visible. It needs to be experienced.
Not just said, but shown.
This is where the work of Gary Chapman becomes useful. He reminds us that people receive love in different ways. Words might land deeply for one person, while another needs touch, time, or acts of care.
If you are loving your partner in the way that makes sense to you, but not in the way they can feel, there will be a gap. And that gap, over time, becomes distance.
So the question is not just “Do I love you?” It is “Can you feel it from me?”
Connection Is Built in the Small Moments
In the work of John Gottman, we hear about “bids for connection.”
These are the small, everyday moments where one partner reaches out. It might be a comment, a glance, a question, or a sigh. Something as simple as “Look at this,” or “I had a hard day.”
These are not throwaway moments. They are the building blocks of connection.
You can turn towards them, turn away, or turn against.
Relationships are not built on grand gestures. They are built on how often you turn towards each other in these small bids.
So ask yourself honestly. How often do I respond? How often do I miss it?
Showing Up Daily Matters More Than Perfection
There is a question I often bring into the room with couples.
What percentage of you are you giving to this relationship right now?
Not in a shaming way, but in an honest way.
Because some days you may only have thirty percent to give. Life happens. Stress happens. Exhaustion happens.
But if you bring your thirty percent honestly, and your partner brings theirs, there is still something alive between you.
The problem is not low capacity. The problem is silence about it.
Couples who stay connected talk about their emotional capacity. They say, “I am stretched today,” or “I have more to give tonight.”
That honesty protects the relationship.
Check In, Do Not Drift Apart
Connection is not maintained by assumption. It is maintained by intention.
Simple questions can shift the entire emotional tone of a relationship:
What happened today that gave you joy . What has felt heavy for you lately . What do you need from me to make the end of your day feel better.
These are not big interventions. They are small openings.
And small openings, done consistently, create safety.
Date Nights Are Not Optional
Time together, without distraction, matters.
It does not need to be expensive. It does not need to be elaborate. It just needs to be intentional.
Sitting together without phones. Going for a walk. Cooking a meal. Being present with each other.
Couples often say they do not have time. What they are really saying is that the relationship has dropped down the priority list.
And when that happens, distance quietly grows.
Talk About What Is Not Working
Nothing improves through silence.
If something is not working in your relationship, it needs to be spoken about. Not in blame, not in criticism, but in honesty.
“I miss us.” “I feel distant from you.” “I want to understand what is happening between us.”
These conversations are uncomfortable, but they are necessary.
Silence does not protect the relationship. It erodes it.
When You Fight, Fight With Care
Conflict is not the problem. How you handle it is.
Again, drawing on John Gottman, we know that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal are patterns that damage relationships over time.
So when you say sorry, make it meaningful.
Say what you are sorry for. Acknowledge the impact. Explain how you will do it differently next time.
Accountability builds trust. Not perfection, but ownership.
And sometimes, you will go to bed still feeling frustrated.
That is allowed.
You do not need to force resolution when both of you are dysregulated.
Sometimes space is the most respectful thing you can offer. Sleep can soften what intensity cannot.
It Will Feel Boring at Times
There is a stage in relationships where things can feel flat. Predictable. Less exciting.
This is not failure. This is reality.
The intensity of early connection naturally settles. What replaces it is something quieter. More stable. More real.
But this is also the stage where many couples stop showing up.
And this is where the work matters most.
Because connection does not disappear on its own. It fades when it is not tended to.
Balance Is Not Always Equal
There will be days where one of you carries more.
Days where one of you has more energy, more patience, more capacity.
That is not imbalance. That is partnership.
Over time, this evens out.
But only if both people are willing to step in when the other cannot.
Check In on Mental Health Properly
“How are you?” is often too surface level.
Go deeper.
What has been heavy for you lately . Where are you feeling stretched. How can I support you better.
These questions communicate care in a way that quick check ins cannot.
The Truth About Long Term Love
Long term love is not built on intensity.
It is built on consistency.
It is built on turning towards each other. On staying curious. On repairing when things go wrong. On choosing the relationship, again and again.
Because in the end, love is not something you have.
It is something you do.
Lottie
The Relationship Specialist
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