This month I have been featured in British Vogue magazine, answering questions on why online men give so many women the 'ick'.
Olivia Hadlee Pearch from Vogue writes:
When you fancy someone new, there is a clear set of next steps. First, you check if they’re single. Then you Google them to rule out any public scandals and/or criminal convictions. Finally, it’s time to look them up on Instagram. It’s here where you’ll make the harshest judgements about who this person is and whether or not they’re right for you.
You’ll find profound meaning in every last detail, from the people who frequently feature in their tagged photos and how many models they follow to which filters they favour and whether or not they post Reels. Lately, though, the best thing you can find is nothing at all. That’s right, I’m talking about people who don’t use Instagram – and why they’re objectively hotter than those of us who do.
These were my Vogue Questions and Answers:
1. Why might we be attracted to someone who is not particularly active on social media?
The allure of a potential attraction to someone who does not prioritise an online presence lies in the mystique they exude, particularly in a time when many are overwhelmed by the pressures and anxieties of maintaining a digital persona. Meeting someone who is less involved in social media can feel like a breath of fresh air, offering an opportunity for less judgment and more genuine curiosity.
This dynamic allows for a blank slate where questions can be asked and connections can be made from a perspective grounded in reality, mystery, and authentic qualities that can be irresistibly attractive.
There is something intriguing about someone who chooses not to actively participate in something so ubiquitous across generations. The first stage of romantic love, known as limerence, is characterised by an obsession with the other person, consuming one's thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. It can also be described as an illusion, where the other person embodies your fantasies, hopes, and dreams of a ‘happily ever after’.
If you meet someone with little or no online presence, it might encourage you to either become more of a detective online to learn more about them or, when you're with them, to be more curious about who they are in real life.
2. How might our own views around social media and how we use it feed into this?
Our own views on social media and how we use it undoubtedly influence not only our own behaviour but also how we perceive others in their use of it. When it comes to relationships and attraction, the way someone interacts with social media can reveal much about their values, personality, and priorities. For instance, Instagram often plays a significant role in how people present themselves and connect with others, so encountering someone who engages less with social media can be intriguing.
Authenticity and presence are key factors in this attraction. In a world where many are focused on curating the perfect online image, someone who doesn’t spend much time on Instagram might appear more genuine, suggesting they prioritise real-life interactions over online validation.
This authenticity can be very attractive, as it indicates they are more interested in who you are rather than how things appear to others. Additionally, a person who engages less with social media may value privacy more, preferring to keep their personal life private or share it only with a close circle. If you also value privacy, this trait can be particularly appealing, reflecting a level of maturity and self-respect.
Moreover, time and attention are crucial in relationships, where significance, priority, intimacy, and empathy are key components of connection. Social media can often act as a time-consuming distraction, so someone who isn’t heavily invested in Instagram might have more time for other pursuits and hobbies. Their focus on real-world experiences over online interactions could suggest a deeper level of connection when it comes to relationships. Values and priorities play a significant role in how we connect with others, and a person who doesn’t use Instagram much might prioritise different things—perhaps personal growth, creativity, or in-person connections.
If these values align with your own, it’s easy to see why you’d be drawn to them. Their decision to step back from social media might indicate that they’re more in tune with what truly matters to them, which can be a powerful attractor.
Finally, there’s the idea of independence from trends. Someone who isn’t active on Instagram might be more independent in their thinking, less influenced by societal pressures to conform to certain standards or trends. This kind of independence can be very attractive, especially if you value someone who knows who they are and isn’t easily swayed by external pressures.
In the end, being attracted to someone who doesn’t engage much with Instagram might reflect your own desire for deeper, more authentic connections, signalling a shared value for privacy, real-world engagement, and a focus on what truly matters in life.
However, this could present challenges in a relationship. For example, if one partner values capturing and sharing aspects of their life while the other priorities privacy, this difference could lead to discord.
3. Is there a difference in perception in 'very online' men versus 'very online' women? It seems that the former are judged more harshly i.e. 'men who are super online is a big ick for me' -- why might that be?
I have noticed that men who spend a lot of time online are often judged more harshly than women. For men, being glued to a screen can be perceived as a failure to engage with the real world—a world where they are expected to assert dominance, achieve status, and display ambition. Excessive online activity can be misinterpreted as a lack of these qualities, painting a picture of a man who's more interested in virtual achievements than real-world success.
For some, the phrase ‘super online guy’ might trigger a reflexive ‘ick’. It's a reaction rooted in deeper societal norms and expectations, where gender plays a significant role in how we perceive online behaviour.
Traditional gender norms cast a long shadow, even in our digital interactions. Men are often expected to embody certain traits—strength, productivity, and engagement with the ‘real world’. When a man is ‘very online’, it can be seen as a deviation from these norms, suggesting he might be neglecting ‘serious’ pursuits in favour of virtual ones.
Women, on the other hand, are often afforded more flexibility in how they navigate their online lives. The internet can be a space for self-expression, community building, or activism, all of which align more comfortably with traditional and modern femininity.
In essence, the judgment of ‘very online’ men highlights a double standard in how we perceive online behaviour through the lens of gender. The next time you find yourself cringing at the thought of a ‘super online guy’, it might be worth considering the social expectations and cultural narratives at play.
After all, in a world where we're all increasingly living online, maybe it's time to rethink who really gets the ‘ick’.
4. What does someone's social media presence say about who they are as a potential partner?
Viewing someone’s social media presence can reveal a great deal about them, as even the smallest profiles can offer a wealth of information. For instance, if we take Instagram as an example, the timing of their last post, the number of followers they have, the people engaging with their posts, the comments and their sources, and even the accounts they follow.
All these elements provide insight into their values, interests, and how they present themselves to the world. This can shed light on how they communicate, what they prioritise, and how they handle relationships and conflicts.
For example, frequent posts about personal achievements or social events might suggest ambition and a sense of responsibility, while an emphasis on social activities could indicate a preference for a vibrant social life.
As you get to know the person, you can compare their social media presentation with reality, which can offer further insight into the person they are trying to portray versus who they actually are. However, it's crucial to remember that social media can often be a platform where people seek attention or recognition. The online space can sometimes be a place of loneliness and vulnerability, where people wait for validation and exhibit a seemingly happy life while struggling to connect in reality.
Often, what we see online is a curated version of reality, and truly understanding someone, especially as a potential partner, requires looking beyond their online persona to see who they are in real life.
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