Saying "No" can save your Relationships
- Lottie Passell-Syms
- Aug 25
- 3 min read
Boundaries Aren’t Barriers. They’re How Love Grows: Learn how saying "no" with love can deepen trust, respect, and connection in your relationship.
Most people think boundaries push partners away. In reality, they’re the very thing that keeps love alive. For years, “no” wasn’t in my vocabulary, not with my parents, my boss, my friends, or my partner.
I thought saying yes made me kind, but all it really did was leave me resentful, exhausted, and invisible.
If you’ve been feeling overextended, taken for granted, or quietly simmering with frustration in your relationship, it might be a boundaries issue, even if you’ve never called it that.
Why Boundaries Matter in Love
I grew up as the good girl, the people-pleaser, the helper, my mother’s confidante. I did what I was told. As an adult, that meant staying late, answering calls after hours, picking up the pieces, and silencing my own needs so others could feel comfortable.
And all that happened was: I got hurt, I got triggered, and I got taken for granted.
Boundaries show up everywhere: at home, at work, in friendships, and in how we treat ourselves. When you don’t have them, you don’t just feel drained, you start to lose sight of who you are.
Signs Your Boundaries Are Missing
If these sound familiar, your boundaries might need attention:
1. Leaving family gatherings with a migraine or meltdown.
2. Answering work emails at 10pm, even on weekends.
3. Taking a day off but feeling guilty the whole time.
4. Saying, “I’m not available for that conversation”, only in your head.
5. Staying close to someone who ignores your “no.”
6. Asking for space but apologising for it.
7. Spending money on therapy or self-care and feeling bad about it.
8. Hesitating to unfollow, unfriend, or block someone who drains you.
9. Cancelling plans when your body says “rest” but making excuses instead.
10. Making decisions based on pressure, not peace.
The Cost of Avoiding Boundaries
Maybe you think speaking up will rock the boat. Upset the family. Make you seem selfish.
But what’s happening now?
The overthinking. The rumination. The quiet voice whispering, “I don’t even want to go to the party.”
Start small. Boundaries aren’t walls -they’re doors. They invite in the people who feel safe, and help you choose how close they come.
One Phrase That Changes Everything
When someone invites you to something you know isn’t right for you, try:
“I hear you, and the party sounds fab, but I’m still going to say no.”
It’s respectful. It’s clear. And it’s yours to give.
Lessons From *Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin
Reading Boundaries by Anne Katherine was like finding a quiet map back to myself.
It’s small, simple, and deeply compassionate. Katherine writes as a therapist but speaks like a kind, calm friend.
Here are my biggest takeaways:
1. Boundaries are not walls, they’re doors. They let people in without losing yourself, making real connection possible.
2. You are responsible for your feelings and no one else’s. Compassion can have limits, and that’s healthy.
3. Saying no is sacred. Every honest no is an act of freedom.
4. Your body knows before your mind. Tightness, exhaustion, irritation these are your early warning signs.
5. Boundaries strengthen love. They stop resentment from building and create space for real intimacy.
Why This Matters in Couples Therapy
In my work with couples, the absence of boundaries often shows up as resentment, emotional distance, or constant conflict.
When partners learn to say no without guilt, and hear no without taking it personally, they build the trust and respect every healthy relationship needs.
Boundaries don’t break relationships. They clarify them.
Ready to Work on Yours?
If you’re feeling invisible, overwhelmed, or constantly overextended, therapy can help you set and keep boundaries that feel natural, not forced. Together, we’ll uncover the patterns that make saying no so hard, and build the skills to protect your energy without losing connection.
Book Your First Session
Take the first step toward a healthier, more connected relationship today - book a FREE 15 min consultation with me.
With love,
Lottie x
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