Arguing for Connection: from rupture to recovery

Arguments in relationships aren’t just about the dishes or who’s always late. They’re often about something much deeper: an unmet need, a longing, or an old wound that hasn’t had the chance to heal.

As a therapist, what I often see in the therapy room isn’t just conflict, it’s two people arguing for connection but doing it in ways that push each other further apart.

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Why it Feels Personal

When couples argue, it can feel intense, raw, and deeply personal. That’s because many of us are unknowingly bringing childhood strategies into adult relationships.

• Maybe you learned to withdraw when things got tough?

• Maybe you were taught that being emotional was unsafe?

• Maybe the only way you got your needs met was to shout louder than everyone else in the room?

These protective behaviours, like stonewalling, sulking, becoming overly emotional or shutting down, made sense in childhood. They were survival tools. But in a loving adult relationship, these same strategies can become barriers to intimacy. They block the very connection we're craving.

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Rupture: blow-ups happen

In those heated moments, something gets ruptured. Trust is shaken. The sense of being emotionally held by one another disappears. What we often don’t see in that moment is that both partners are trying, clumsily (sometimes painfully) to be heard, seen, or understood.

But because they’re in 'protective mode', they miss each other entirely. One shuts down, the other escalates. One seeks space, the other clings. And the argument becomes less about the topic, and more about the dance of disconnection they know so well.

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Recovery: let’s get close

Recovery is possible. In fact, it’s the most important part of any relationship. The question is not do you argue, but how do you repair?

Do you come back with curiosity instead of blame?

Can you hold space for your partner’s wound even if it triggered your own?

When we slow down and reflect, we can begin to ask: what was I really arguing for?

• Was it safety?

• Respect?

• To feel important?

• To not be dismissed the way I was as a child?

This level of reflection is a game-changer. It shifts the conversation from “you always do this” to “I was scared I didn’t matter to you.”

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Helping Each Other Heal

One of the most powerful things couples can do is begin to see the child in each other not in a patronising way, but with compassion.

When your partner withdraws, could you imagine them as the child who was told off for crying?

When they raise their voice, could you see the scared kid trying to protect themselves in chaos?

Seeing each other in this light softens the edges. It helps us realise we’re not just reacting to each other we’re reacting from our own histories. And it invites a different kind of response: one that is slower, more loving, more attuned.

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We All Want To Be Chosen: Can you see me? Can you hear me?

At the heart of so many arguments is a simple truth “we all want to be seen and heard “ We want to know we matter. That we’re enough. That even when we’re messy or hard to love, our person will come back.

And that’s the work: realising that even in conflict, we’re not enemies. We’re just two people trying to be loved in the only ways we know how.

So when the next rupture happens: Pause. Breathe. Get curious.

Ask yourself what you're really fighting for. And consider this: maybe it’s not about being right. Maybe it's about being real.

Lottie x