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Lottie Passell-Syms

Where do you seek validation from to measure your self worth?

I've been thinking about how my clients navigate their inner child and adult self and no wonder that we are caught in the template of others and giving ourselves a hard time.  In our fast-paced world, it’s easy to lose track of where we find our self-worth.


Validation is something we all seek, whether consciously or subconsciously, and it often comes from various aspects of our lives. However, the question we rarely stop to ask ourselves is: Where am I seeking validation from? Am I relying on my work, my partner, or my children to determine my value?


Let’s break down these common sources of validation and how they may shape your sense of self.



 

1. Validation through Work


Many of us tie our self-worth to professional accomplishments. This is especially common in a culture that glorifies productivity and achievement. We may feel a sense of purpose and pride when we excel in our careers, receive recognition, or meet financial goals. While there’s nothing wrong with finding fulfilment in what we do, relying too heavily on work for validation can be risky. We may also find ourselves seeking work validation for hiding feelings and hurt to not connect to what is happening to us.


When work becomes the primary measure of our value, any setback—a missed promotion, job loss, or criticism—can lead to a deep sense of inadequacy. We might begin to feel that without these achievements, we are not enough. But work, while a meaningful part of life, should not be the sole source of self-worth.


It’s important to cultivate a sense of value that isn’t dependent on external success.


2. Validation through a Partner


Romantic relationships can be another place where we seek validation. In a healthy relationship, your partner can offer love, support, and affirmation. But when you start relying too much on your partner’s approval, the dynamic can become imbalanced.


For example, if your sense of worth is dependent on how your partner perceives you, you may start to lose your individuality. You might compromise your needs or values to maintain their approval or feel insecure if their attention wavers.


While it’s natural to desire love and affirmation from your partner, it’s essential to also validate yourself internally. I value the saying "who am I becoming whilst I’m with you?"  We can lose ourselves and our behaviours are unrecognisable.


A healthy relationship is one where both individuals feel valued as they are, without needing constant validation for one another to feel whole.


3. Validation through Children


For parents, children can become another source of validation. Watching your children succeed and thrive can bring immense pride and joy. But when your sense of worth becomes tied to their achievements or behaviour, it can create pressure—for both you, your children and your partner.


If you find yourself feeling validated only when your child is excelling, or conversely, feeling less worthy when they struggle, it may be a sign that you’re outsourcing your self-worth.


Children, just like us, will have ups and downs. Their journey is their own, and as much as we guide them, we must recognise that our value as individuals does not depend on their success or failures.


Also the love that can appear to be lavished on to the children can leave a partner feeling rejected and unloved. This can eroded the relationship and cause a great strain on the dynamics of the partnership


4. Internal Validation: The Key to True Self-Worth


The truth is, external validation—whether from work, relationships, or family—will always be fleeting. Jobs change, relationships evolve, and children grow up.


Relying on these external factors for a sense of worth can leave you feeling empty when they inevitably shift.


Internal validation, on the other hand, comes from within. It’s the ability to recognise your inherent worth, independent of external circumstances. When you validate yourself internally, you cultivate self-respect, confidence, and resilience.


You become less reactive to external changes because your sense of self is rooted in something more stable: your own belief in your value.


 

How to Cultivate Internal Validation


  • Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge your strengths and forgive your mistakes.

  • Set Personal Goals: Focus on goals that align with your values, not just those that earn external approval.

  • Reflect on Your Achievements: Take time to appreciate what you’ve accomplished, big or small, and let that build your confidence.

  • Affirm Your Worth Daily: Use positive affirmations to remind yourself that you are valuable, just as you are.

  • Seek Growth Over Perfection: Instead of striving for perfection, focus on personal growth and improvement. Growth is a lifelong process, not a destination.


 

It’s natural to seek validation from the external world, but true, lasting self-worth can only come from within. By recognising the patterns of validation through work, relationships, and family, we can start to shift the focus inward.


Cultivating internal validation is a lifelong journey, but it’s one that leads to a more balanced, fulfilling life. After all, you are enough—just as you are.


Remember some of your actions today with be the template of the past, how you were loved and how conflict was shown, don’t give all of yourself over to what you believe to be the template of the past, your parents script. You are good enough, worthy of love and appreciation.


Start writing your own script today.


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