The I Before the We

In my therapy room, there’s a phrase that anchors so much of the work I do: I be4 we. It may sound counterintuitive when we’re talking about relationships, however a strong we can only exist when the I is solid, self-aware, and prepared to do the work.

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Becoming the “I”

Before we choose to be part of a couple, we have a responsibility to ourselves to do the inner work. This is not about perfection or becoming some ideal version of a partner. It’s about knowing who you are and learning to live from a place of self-respect, integrity, and authenticity.

The I work is self-development. It’s asking:

• What are my values?

• What does self-love look like for me?

• How do I hold my boundaries?

• What brings me joy, peace, or purpose?

This isn’t selfish - it’s foundational.

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Closeness begins with you

We often talk about intimacy as something that exists between two people , but the deepest relationships start with the intimacy we cultivate with ourselves.

When we are in tune with our own feelings, able to sit with them, understand them and respond to them with compassion, we build emotional fluency. That fluency becomes the language we bring into our partnerships.

Connection, closeness and sexual intimacy all flourish when we aren’t looking to the other person to complete us, fix us, or make us happy.

When we take ownership of our own emotional world, we create space for genuine togetherness — not enmeshment or co-dependency. We've all been there, waiting to be rescued (I know I have) however, the freedom of knowing this is the gateway to wholeness it is liberating

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You are not responsible for someone else’s happiness

This might sound harsh, but it’s actually freeing. You are not in charge of someone else’s mental health, self-worth, or emotional state. In healthy relationships, we don’t complete each other, we enhance each other.

When two people do the I work, they show up in the 'we' with more presence, more empathy and more capacity for love. Relationships become places of growth, not rescue missions.

We meet as two full individuals, not two halves trying to plug each other’s wounds.

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Choosing the “We”

When the 'I' is nurtured, choosing the 'we' becomes a conscious, grounded decision , not a desperate grasp for connection or validation. We come together not out of need, but desire.

Not to fix a loneliness, but to share a life.

So if you're struggling in your relationship, take a moment to look inward and ask: “What part of me have I lost, neglected, or silenced?”

Because when you reconnect to your 'I' you’ll be able to reconnect in your 'we'.

Remember … Relationships thrive when both people are anchored in themselves. You are not selfish for focusing on your growth: you are preparing to love with depth, clarity, and freedom.

That is the most generous thing you can do for yourself and for anyone lucky enough to be loved by you.

We will be diving into the concept of IB4we on the paradox of change Podcast coming soon ... https://www.youtube.com/@theparadoxofchange

Lottie x