Say all your 'Don’ts' before you say 'I Do'

Most couples spend their time dreaming about the kind of relationship they want. They imagine the romantic dinners, the holidays together, the intimacy, the partnership, the laughter. All the good things.

But what if the real clarity the foundation of a marriage or long-term commitment lies not just in the do’s, but in the don’ts?

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Let's Not Be Like That

I was reminded of this watching Sex and the City, when Miranda and Steve are sitting outside having a beer and an older couple passes by, locked in constant nagging and bickering - moaning at each other as though it’s the only language they speak.

Miranda and Steve look at each other and say, ‘Let’s not be like that.’

Out of that moment of naming what they didn’t want, Miranda ends up asking Steve to marry her.

There’s something powerful about saying out loud, this is what I never want us to become.

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Why the Don'ts Matter

Relationships are often built on hope and ideals but they survive on boundaries, honesty, and shared vision. When we only talk about what we want (I want someone loyal, fun, kind, adventurous) we leave a wide margin for misinterpretation.

Your ‘fun’ might mean festivals and wild weekends your partner’s ‘fun’ might mean gardening on a Sunday afternoon. The gap might be starting to get too big.

By naming what you don’t want, you set clear edges. You say, these are the patterns, behaviours, or dynamics that would slowly chip away at us.

Things like:

• Constant criticism or nagging

• Financial secrecy

• Lack of intimacy or effort in sex

• One-sided responsibility for the household

• Avoiding conflict until resentment builds

• Emotional withdrawal or stonewalling

• Exits instead of authentic activities

It isn’t about nit-picking or being negative. It’s about taking an honest look at the patterns that destroy connection, and making a joint promise.

Having and being in a conscious relationship ‘let’s not let that be us’

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From ‘Don’t’ to ‘Do’

The beauty of naming your don’ts is that it naturally reveals your do’s.

If you say, ‘I don’t want us to end up bitterly bickering every day,’ what you’re really saying is, ‘I want us to keep a tone of kindness, even when we disagree.’

If you say, ‘I don’t want you to shut down when I’m upset,’ what you’re really saying is, ‘I want us to face emotions together, even when it’s uncomfortable.’

If you say, ‘I don’t want us to stop being playful,” you’re really saying, ‘I want joy to remain part of our relationship, even when life is heavy.’

The don’ts help carve out the do’s with greater precision.

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A Couple’s Exercise

If you’re in a relationship and you’re thinking about long term commitment or even if you’ve been married for years try this together:

• Each of you write down five ‘don’ts’ for your relationship.

• Share them one at a time, without judgment and with curiosity

• For each ‘don’t, ’work together to reframe it as a ‘do.’

Notice where you match and where you differ these conversations are gold for understanding each other’s expectations.

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The Real Promise in “I Do”

When you stand in front of someone and say ‘I do,’ you’re not just promising the beautiful parts.

You’re also promising to guard against the patterns that could erode your bond. It’s a vow not just to love, but to keep out the toxins that turn love sour.

So before you say ‘I do,’ take the time to say your ‘don’ts’ It could be the most honest, grounding, and loving conversation you ever have.

Remember …. Love is kind xx

Love

Lottie