The Four Horsemen Have Entered The Kitchen
- Lottie Passell-Syms
- 7 days ago
- 5 min read
You know the scene.
It’s 9.45pm.
The children are finally asleep.
The dishwasher is still waiting to be emptied.
The washing machine has just finished.
Someone forgot to buy milk.
The dog needs letting out.
You eventually crawl into bed.
Your partner rolls over and puts their hand on your leg.
And all you can think is:
“Absolutely not.”
If this sounds familiar, welcome to long-term relationships.
Nobody talks enough about the reality of modern love. Relationships don’t usually struggle because people stop loving each other. They struggle because life gets noisy. Work gets demanding. Children arrive. Parents age. Careers change. Illness happens. Bereavement appears. The mortgage still needs paying.
And somewhere underneath the mountain of responsibility, intimacy quietly slides down the priority list.
Not because it isn’t important.
Because survival temporarily wins.
But before we get to sex, let’s talk about conflict.
Because conflict is usually what arrives in my therapy room long before intimacy does.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
One of the most influential relationship researchers of our time, John Gottman, identified four communication patterns that consistently predict relationship distress and, left unchecked, can predict separation and divorce.
He called them:
• Criticism
• Defensiveness
• Contempt
• Stonewalling
Let’s meet them.
Horseman Number One: Criticism
Criticism sounds like:
“You never help.”
“You always do this.”
“Why are you so selfish?”
Criticism attacks character rather than addressing behaviour.
As a therapist, I often see criticism arriving from what we call a parental position.
One partner becomes the manager.
The supervisor.
The relationship foreman.
The keeper of standards.
They become exhausted carrying responsibility and eventually their requests become complaints.
Then their complaints become criticism.
Underneath criticism is often a simple message:
“I don’t feel supported.”
The Antidote
Gentle start-up.
Instead of:
“You never help me.”
Try:
“I feel overwhelmed and could really use some help tonight.”
One invites.
The other attacks.
Horseman Number Two: Defensiveness
Defensiveness sounds like:
“That’s not true.”
“Well you do it too.”
“It’s not my fault.”
Defensiveness is often the child position.
The criticised partner feels blamed, misunderstood or inadequate and immediately begins protecting themselves.
Now we have a Parent versus Child dynamic.
One lectures.
One defends.
Nobody listens.
Nothing changes.
The Antidote
Taking responsibility.
Even for a small piece.
“I can see why that upset you.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I can understand why you felt hurt.”
The moment accountability enters the room, defensiveness starts to soften.
Horseman Number Three: Contempt
This is the dangerous one.
Contempt is poison.
It is eye-rolling.
Sarcasm.
Mockery.
Name-calling.
Looking down on your partner.
Making them feel small.
Contempt says:
“I am better than you.”
And when that enters a relationship repeatedly, emotional safety disappears.
Research consistently shows contempt to be the strongest predictor of relationship breakdown.
In my experience, once contempt becomes a daily language, couples are often no longer arguing about the issue.
They are attacking each other’s worth.
The Antidote
Respect.
Appreciation.
Gratitude.
Remembering that your partner is not your enemy.
You can disagree with somebody without degrading them.
You can be angry and still be respectful.
Horseman Number Four: Stonewalling
Stonewalling looks like silence.
Withdrawal.
Walking away.
Going emotionally offline.
One partner says:
“We need to talk.”
The other suddenly becomes fascinated by their phone.
Or the television.
Or literally anything else.
This is often not cruelty.
It is overwhelm.
The nervous system has had enough.
The body says:
“I can’t do this anymore.”
The Antidote
Pause and return.
Not:
“I’m done.”
But:
“I’m overwhelmed. Can we come back to this in 30 minutes?”
Healthy couples take breaks.
Unhealthy couples disappear.
There is a difference.
The Problem With Arguing to Win
Many couples don’t realise they are having a competition rather than a conversation.
The goal becomes winning.
Being right.
Presenting evidence.
Building a case.
Cross-examining their partner like a barrister.
Which, admittedly, can make for excellent entertainment.
But terrible intimacy.
When both partners are trying to win, nobody is trying to understand.
And understanding is where connection lives.
The couples who do well are not the couples who avoid conflict.
They are the couples who stay curious during conflict.
Stop Telling the Story
One of the things I frequently ask couples to do is stop telling me the story.
At least temporarily.
Not because the story isn’t important.
But because couples become trapped inside their own version of events.
Instead, I ask them:
“What did you hear your partner say?”
Not what they said.
What did you hear?
Because those are often very different things.
The shift occurs when partners begin listening with presence rather than preparing their defence.
Listening with curiosity rather than certainty.
Listening to understand rather than listening to respond.
You may be surprised.
Many couples discover they have been arguing with assumptions for years.
You Cannot Be in Love and Be in Control
Now this might ruffle a few feathers.
But let’s talk about control.
Every relationship tends to develop a manager.
The organiser.
The planner.
The person who remembers birthdays, appointments, school letters, dishwasher tablets and where the passports are.
At first it looks helpful.
Eventually it becomes exhausting.
The controlling partner often feels unsupported.
The other partner often feels criticised.
Neither person feels understood.
Here’s the interesting part.
Underneath control is usually fear.
If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.
If I don’t organise it, it will fall apart.
If I don’t carry it, nobody will.
The controlling partner is often not trying to dominate.
They are trying to prevent disaster.
Can we have a little empathy for that?
At the same time, the other partner often feels they can never get it right.
Every effort feels corrected.
Every attempt feels criticised.
Eventually resentment appears.
One feels burdened.
The other feels defeated.
And both feel alone.
Where Did the Sex Go?
Back to the dishes.
The washing machine.
The endless to-do list.
The children.
The deadlines.
The grief.
The stress.
The exhaustion.
Sex hasn’t disappeared.
It has simply gone dormant.
Your nervous system prioritises survival first.
Desire gets moved to the bottom of the pile.
Many couples mistakenly believe desire should arrive spontaneously.
Like it did when they first met.
But long-term relationships often work differently.
What we frequently see is responsive desire.
This means desire arrives after connection begins.
Not before.
You may not feel desire at the start.
But a hand on your shoulder.
A cuddle in the kitchen.
A slow touch.
A deliberate moment of affection.
Can create a sensation.
That sensation creates connection.
Connection creates warmth.
Warmth creates desire.
And desire slowly wakes up.
Sometimes the path back to intimacy is not fireworks.
It is a gentle return.
Intensive Therapy for Couples
One of the greatest privileges of my work is helping couples find clarity.
Sometimes that clarity means rebuilding.
Sometimes it means healing years of resentment.
Sometimes it means rediscovering each other.
And sometimes it means reaching a mutual separation with dignity and respect.
I now offer:
• One-Day Intensives
• Two-Day Intensives
• Three-Day Intensives
These extended sessions allow us to work far more deeply than traditional weekly therapy and can often achieve months of progress in a concentrated period of time.
They provide space for:
• Repairing conflict
• Rebuilding intimacy
• Working through resentment
• Improving communication
• Understanding attachment patterns
• Creating healthier relationship dynamics
• Exploring whether the relationship can move forward
The goal is not perfection.
The goal is clarity.
And clarity can be life-changing.
For further information visit:
For pricing and availability:
A Final Thought
The healthiest relationships are not the ones that never argue.
They are the ones that know how to repair.
So before you go to sleep tonight, try asking one simple question:
“What happened today that brought you joy?”
You may be surprised by the answer.
Until next month,
Lottie
Psychosexual & Relationship Specialist
Comments